Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh

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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.


Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?


Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.


Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.


There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.


Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks


waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours