@economybacon

Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh

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@funnybeachgirl

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

@junejuly12

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

@pineapplepleas

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

@VanGobot

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours