I self medicate, therefore you live.
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse
“You mean Centaur, right?”
Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Don’t be shy, send that 8th unresponded text
Him: I really like your car
H: What is it?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours