Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.