@lyric_intent

[Man on Ledge]

Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!

Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!

You Might Also Like

@ch000ch

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

@JustDontBugMe

Her: Those ants are working so hard.
Me: We could learn from them.

Ant1: Humans are staring.
Ant2: Yes, they’ll spray some shit on us. Run!

@ryangriffiths

I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.

@CountGripsnatch

I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

@LizHackett

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

@whostrevors

A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁

@mrkoodge

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick