I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.
[Man on Ledge]
Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!
Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!
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“& what are your strengths.”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.
-You talkin to my girl?
-What if I am?