my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[Man on Ledge]
Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!
Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!
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Her: Those ants are working so hard.
Me: We could learn from them.
Ant1: Humans are staring.
Ant2: Yes, they’ll spray some shit on us. Run!
I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick