People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them