Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]