Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD