@OFalafel

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

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@tarashoe

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

@SusanRinell

Speed-dating, but it’s just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes

@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

@UncleDuke1969

Will is weary of fame
Will runs away to the woods
Will dons a loincloth
Will eats bugs & berries
Will befriends a bear
Will Ferrell

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

@mynameshank

WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.

@ArfMeasures

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *hits her sister*

Me: Keep your hands to yourself.

5:

Me:

5: *kicks*

Me: And your feet.

5:

Me:

5: *headbutts*

@LMHPhotog

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS

YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF

DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.