love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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Speed-dating, but it’s just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Will is weary of fame
Will runs away to the woods
Will dons a loincloth
Will eats bugs & berries
Will befriends a bear
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
5-year-old: *hits her sister*
Me: Keep your hands to yourself.
Me: And your feet.
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.