Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???