Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.


the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce


These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.


I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.


I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.


Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.


Google HR: do you have any questions?

Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it

Google HR: you’re hired


Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho


What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?