Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
So glad we cleared that up
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.