@NewDadNotes

Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me

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@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

@MsGreenGoddess

If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.

@HatfieldAnne

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

@bartandsoul

You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife

@mijamtweets

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

@gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@thatUPSdude

“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids