*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.