ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
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If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!
My infamous last words to my wife
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“It’s only arson if you get caught”
~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids