Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
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My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Twice baked potatoes
-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*hovers mouse over send button*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.