Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
You Might Also Like
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
These work great until they don’t.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
What a chick magnet..
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted