Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus