When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener