@JasonBerlin

Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.

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@McGrumpenstein

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@5exyunchained

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

@WheelTod

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

@DougBenson

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

@BoomBoomBetty

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

@Neauxpe

A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.

@iamspacegirl

And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

@JermHimselfish

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.