Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.
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Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.
Bros before hoes.
And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.