glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
🥶🥶🐶🐶
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
getting groceries
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face