man: wait
time: no
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[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages