man: wait

time: no

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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch


Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours


Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.


For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!


[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…


Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.


What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?


Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.


I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.