man: wait

time: no

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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert


accusations harmful


Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.


Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.


When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly


Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.


When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”


Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*


I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.


scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”