@FU_TangClan

man: wait

time: no

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@TweetPotato314

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

@omgthatspunny

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

@huntigula

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

@ChillE_ConCarne

When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”

@eff_yeah_steph

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

@Jennifergr8

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

@electrolemon

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”