man: wait
time: no
You Might Also Like
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Cause of death: Zumba
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Flowers bee like
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree