[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

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I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.


king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty


I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.


If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot


looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours


ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear


Me: I don’t feel like driving home.

5: I’ll drive.

Me: You’re not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.

Me: And that.


She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed


[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”


How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years