[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
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After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Woke up against my better judgement again
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off