@TheAlexNevil

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

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@PaigeKellerman

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

@TheHatStore

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

@Vice_Queen

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

@JohnHilsen

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

@django

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

@iinkedZombie

Me: I don’t feel like driving home.

5: I’ll drive.

Me: You’re not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.

Me: And that.

@jtrulez

She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed

@KeetPotato

[uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] “i did not think this through”

@bossy_bootz

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years