“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?