Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.