Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately