[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.