Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.