@trevso_electric

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

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@Brampersandon_

[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.

@caithuls

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

@StinkyGr33n

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

@JediGigi

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

@Sickayduh

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot

@xysist

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@daemonic3

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

@stevevsninjas

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.