Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer