man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!