@abraveturtle

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

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@Social_Mime

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

@rockymomax

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

@jergarl

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K

@professorkiosk

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

@joeljeffrey

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

@suecorvette

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

@msgwenl

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@UniqueDude2

[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea

@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together