man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.