man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

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I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger


As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..


“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*


Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–


Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora


Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.


The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..


TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying


When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is