Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock