Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
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I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair