The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Home is where your toilet is.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Basically.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.