Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK