MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.