Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.


[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”


[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.


Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.


I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave


[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..



Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about


Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.