@oddpoette

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

You Might Also Like

@rickkondell

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

@IvoryGazelle

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

@GoldenSpirals

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

@AbbyHasIssues

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

@sarahclazarus

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

@T_Bonezzz_

[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..

Me: HODOR…

@Shvartacus

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

@bazecraze

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.