Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins