Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.