@usermcuserface

Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?

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@crocodilethumbs

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

@michel_lesann

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

@PaperWash

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

@AmericanGent69

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

@Gupton68

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

@djdarrellripley

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

@KWalps

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

@funnybeachgirl

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

@Jarhead44

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.