Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*