MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
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My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
This bar smells like my childhood.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?