Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.


When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.


Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.


Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*


i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy


People with house plants: “You have no idea how much time and effort it takes to keep them alive.”

People with kids: “Riiight. I have no idea.”

People with cast iron skillets: “hold my beer.”


Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.