Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?


Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’


Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.


“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.


6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep


That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.


ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*


[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable


89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.