If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
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DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”