There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
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When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
People with house plants: “You have no idea how much time and effort it takes to keep them alive.”
People with kids: “Riiight. I have no idea.”
People with cast iron skillets: “hold my beer.”
schrodinger: ignore that
Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-
gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?