@Shot_Of_Cabo

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

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@iwearaonesie

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

@Sickayduh

DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive

@clichedout

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

@TinaMav

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@DeanOkay

I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

@Skoog

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”