She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER