@Shot_Of_Cabo

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

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@abhorrent_wife

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

@ojedge

Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.

@StupiDucker

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

@jonnysun

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

@Elle_Nic_Woods

People with house plants: “You have no idea how much time and effort it takes to keep them alive.”

People with kids: “Riiight. I have no idea.”

People with cast iron skillets: “hold my beer.”

@SteveKoehler22

Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.