how to piss off everybody
Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.