Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Ghost costume 😂
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*sewing*
A thread
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )