@JJSummertime

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

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@viciousbabydoll

This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.

@ashley_barnhill

So you kill them with kindness but then what do you do with the bodies WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BODIES SO MANY BODIES OH GOD

@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

@YuckyTom

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@jwoodham

THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?

@TragicAllyHere

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

@PayMeInTacos

Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.