manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
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Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Skills
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.