Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Sticker placement is key.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I have never related to a cat more
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.