Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.