Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

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Dating is so hard. Like, what does it mean when a guy doesn’t watch your Instagram stories, doesn’t like your tweets, doesn’t respond to your texts, and is dating someone else?


I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there


Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.


If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity


According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.


My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”


When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks.


– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America


I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.