Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
a fate I wish upon no one
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.