Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?