@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

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@ParentalGrit

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

@JohnLyonTweets

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@Prero22

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

@sonictyrant

[Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that’ll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up

@librarianfonz

My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.

@devansgorock

Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.

@LoveNLunchmeat

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.