@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

@InternetHippo

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

@trojansauce

[titanic]

SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead

CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead

@envydatropic

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

@matthandlersux

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

@SufficientCharm

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth