Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead
CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth