Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this