Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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Breaking news:
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]