Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
No Google it does not
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I was just discussing this with my cat
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.