Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.