Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.


*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.


T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.


Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose


Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right


mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]


Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”


When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else