Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

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[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close


Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.


[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god


I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.


Shot through the heart and you’re to blame.

You’re a nurse with bad aim. Bad aim.


For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.


I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch


Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.


Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.