@AddledPixie

Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.

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@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

@BradBroaddus

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

@the_anastasia

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

@Piecezilla

Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch

@Canadian_Cutie_

First date

*dont let him know you been stalking him

Him- so my brother just got deployed

Me: Josh or Brian?

@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?