We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot