I’ve lost so many friends to babies.
Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.
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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch
*dont let him know you been stalking him
Him- so my brother just got deployed
Me: Josh or Brian?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?