Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*mops up wine with cat*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.