“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra