Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage